The Elements of Denial — Rules for expressing a range of defensive responses to the mainstream perception of racism as implying a conscious “meanness”: Form the possessive singular of nouns by adding ’s. Follow this rule whatever the final consonant. Thus write, Marcus’s baseless accusations James’s uninformed opinions Robin’s ridiculous book But Jesus’ fair complexion. When a plural noun ends in a letter other…

A Subscription Box for the Modern Anarchist — When you get right down to it, there are three kinds of Americans: so-called idealists who protest so-called injustice; realists who counter-protest protests against imagined, exaggerated slights; and opportunists who take advantage of the conflict and confusion to steal from local commercial establishments — big and small — destroying property…

This is apparently a thing now. — Authors, did you know that “professional sensitivity reader” is a thing a person can be now? More to the point, that a professional sensitivity reader is someone an author can hire and pay real money to, in return for a professional sensitivity reading of your work-in-progress? …

Right-thinking, true Americans are on to you. — Did you really think we were going to fall for this one, coronaflakes? You barely even bothered to disguise your latest pitiful effort to push the United States even further toward an unsustainable economic dystopia. “Social distancing”? Come on. Just call it what it obviously is: Pre-Socialism. Too bad the…

Unfortunately, this latest scientific discovery is no cause for celebration. — Well, well, hell. It would seem that the brainiacs who do nothing but stare up at space all day and twice on Sundays really screwed the hound this time, don’t it? Because I distinctly remember them saying that COVID-19 was going to miss us by miles, and yet here we…

I dare you. — You are marooned on a desert island with your best friend, whom it becomes increasingly clear you will sooner or later have to eat. Set forth how you will prepare him or her for consumption. Include any family recipe that you think you might follow. Describe a color no one…

Plus, we wouldn’t even think of testing our emails on animals. — Dear Valued Subscriber, Over the past several months, we’ve received a healthy number of inquiries about the makeup of our periodic emails. In the spirits of corporate transparency and social responsibility, we want to address as many of your questions as possible. Are Your Emails Organic? In a word: Yes. We believe in —…

Adult films will go right over kids’ heads. — Selina convinces the delivery boy, Brad, to accept oral sex in lieu of cash as payment for her pizza, but Brian will have to account for this when he returns to the restaurant. Most likely, Brad will have to pay for Selina’s order out of his own pocket. …

The best board book on either side of the border. — A is for Angry. It’s easy to see: The man enjoys hollering at his TV! B is for Bankruptcy — he “plays with the laws.” And that should have given Americans pause. C? “Covfefe”: a President’s jest. Even the words he makes up are the best. D is for Dotard…